I’m lucky enough to have a theater nearby where I can pre-purchase a particular seat. Once the seat’s bought, I just show up 25 min after the “start time” and skip the ads.

I am trusting the fact that Kamela Harris is letting illegal imigrants into this country who are raping and murdering children.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s

Just to clarify, the fears are that they were looted, and that they have a questionable provenance. Carry on.

Get everyone and your stuff together

You’re not wrong. Super-spicy foods are tasted twice.

Sounds like he’s started smoking what he’s selling.

So worth the time. She had an aweful 2-days 2-nights for thousands of dollars, and did it so you and I didn’t have to lose that money to learn the hard way.

I love that she contextualizes all of this against the backdrop of Disney corporate cowardice and shortsightedness. Also, bless the friggin cast members!

“… naturally, the lungs and larynx were disconnected the entire time…”

Protests were lodged by both the Florida GOP and the Federation of Tornadoes.

Oh you tease. I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Every time a puppy dies, a new cop gets its badge.

Card’s ex-boss told police where to look for him after two failed searches

The owner reportedly called police saying, “this individual knows the property” and urged authorities to examine the trailers in the overflow lot, according to Public Safety Commissioner Michael Sauschuck at Saturday’s press conference.

Shockingly, police had already “cleared” that area twice, the commissioner admitted, as part of a “very intensive manhunt” that lasted days.

Time for our yearly pizza party!
BYOB

This landlord that was involved in the incident in the Chicago area this week…
The one that killed a tenant?
Yeah.
Yeah, that’s not very typical, I’d like to make that point.
Well, how was it un-typical?
Well there are a lot of these landlords owning rental properties around the world all the time, and very seldom does anything like this happen. I just don’t want people thinking that landlords aren’t safe.
Was this landlord safe?
Well, I was thinking more about the other ones.
The ones that are safe?
Yeah, the ones that don’t kill their tenants.
Well, if this wasn’t safe, why did it own the property?
I’m not saying it wasn’t safe, it’s just perhaps not quite as safe as some of the other ones.
Why?
Well, some of them are raised so that they don’t kill their tenants at all.
Wasn’t he raised to not kill his tenants?
Well, obviously not.
How do you know?
Well, because he stabbed a six year old boy twenty-six times, and his mother more than a dozen times. It’s a bit of a giveaway. I’d just like to make the point that that is not normal.
Well what sort of housing standards are these landlords held to?
Oh, very rigorous realty standards.
What sort of thing?
Well, they’re not supposed to stab their tenants for a start.
And what other things?
Well, there are regulations governing the materials their apartments can be made of.
What materials?
Well, cardboard’s out.
And?
No cardboard derivatives.
Like paper?
No paper. No string. No sellotape.
Rubber?
No, rubber’s out. Umm, they’ve got to have a toilet. There’s a minimum room count requirement.
What’s the minimum room count?
Oh, one I suppose.

thank you Clarke and Dawe

good bot

Imma let you finish, but Bob Belcher speaking for the turkey is the best HJB.

H Jon Benjamin is a national treasure and must be protected at all costs. He and Patrick Warburton can do all the voiceovers in my headcanon.